So you want to
be married in church...
Our congratulations!
The
first thing this church wishes to say to you in
response to your wedding enquiry is thank you
for envisioning us as a part of such an
important day. You are taking a step in
life which signals maturity and which requires
courage. You are entering into one of the
potentially richest blessings God’s creation can
provide – a life of mutual companionship and
service. We at Westminster-St. Paul’s
Presbyterian Church are happy for you and wish
you great joy.
Our perspective
 Secondly we want to offer you our understanding
of what you are doing when you choose to be
married in the church, as opposed to some other
contexts in which a marriage can be legally
solemnized. Hopefully this will give you a new
and helpful perspective in which to consider the
married life you are about to begin. It may
also help to explain why there are some
requests, occasionally put by a couple to a
minister, with which the church cannot comply.
The church performs marriage ceremonies as part
of its ministry of worship to God and its
ministry of pastoral care to people, whom God
loves. It is different involving the church and
its minister in your wedding than it is
involving a photographer or a florist; the
church sees itself as doing ministry, not
selling a service. |
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Marriage is
good; God invented it.
So what is the
interest of the church in the matter of
marriage? Christians and Jews have always
believed that marriage is a good thing because
it was invented by God. God, as our creator, is
in the best position to know us – to know both
our purpose and what will please us. God is
interested in giving us joy. He is also
interested in our fulfilling our purpose, which
is to know him, and to be a blessing to the
world in which he places us. By creating
humankind in two sexes, uniquely suited for one
another, God wished both to bless his human
creatures with joy, and to help them fulfill
their purpose.
God uses
marriage to give us joy. Thanks be to God!
There is joy in
finding another who is suited to us, one who is
“bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh,” and
for whom we are prepared to “leave our parents”
and “cleave” for life (see the Bible, Genesis
chapter 2, verses 18-25 and Matthew 19, verses
3-6). The church testifies that when we find
such a person, it is the gift of God, and God is
to be thanked. Your marriage service at
Westminster-St. Paul’s would reflect that.
God uses
marriage to help us fulfill our purpose
Marriage is also
given to us by God as a help toward fulfilling
our human purpose a) of knowing God, and b) of
blessing the earth.
Marriage helps
us to know God by reflecting God’s character
How does
marriage help us to know God? God is revealed
in the Scriptures as a God of “steadfast love,”
(see the Bible, Psalm 25, verses 6-7, Psalm 100,
verse 5, Psalm 103, verse 17 and many other
places) and also as a “jealous God” (see the
Bible, Deuteronomy chapter 4, verse 24, chapter
5 verse 9, chapter 6 verse 15, Zechariah chapter
8 verse 2 and many other places). When you
marry in a church you undertake to enter a kind
of relationship which will interpret, both to
the two of you, and to anyone else who may be
watching, the kind of character God has, and the
nature of his relationship with us.
Steadfast Love
Steadfast love
means that there must be a permanence to your
marriage – a determination to love, which is
based more on decision than on feeling.
Steadfast love entails sacrifice of self for the
good of your partner in the relationship, and
patience in the marriage when it is bringing you
more headache than reward. God in Christ
sacrificed himself on the cross for the good of
the world. That is the ultimate exhibit of what
it means to love another steadfastly.
Faithfulness
God’s insistence
on his people’s loyalty, their commitment to him
as their only God, is what the Bible calls God’s
“jealousy.” When you marry in a church, you vow
that you will be exclusive to the person you
marry. Infidelity carries a huge cost, both
emotional and financial, should it lead to
divorce, but from the church’s point of view,
infidelity is also offensive to God, because it
is such an anti-reflection of God’s own
character.
Marriage is given by God, to help us in knowing
God. From what is said above, it should be clear why Westminster-St. Paul’s
considers the traditional vows of the marriage ceremony, which highlight
permanence and exclusivity, as non-negotiable.
Marriage
helps us to bless the earth by extending love
beyond ourselves
How does
marriage help us to bless the earth? God’s
interest in marriage is not just for the good of
the couple involved, it is for the good of
society as a whole. The church long ago
identified it as a good thing when children –
always a possible outcome when a man and a woman
are joined as “one flesh” – were raised in the
context of marriage. No other context can
provide the same stability. And stable children
provide for a stable future for a society at
large. Similarly the church long ago identified
sexual behavior without boundary, as a volatile
and destructive force for societies, as well as
a soul-destroying practice for individuals. The
older forms of the marriage service may sound
prudish when they say “marriage was instituted
for the procreation of children and the
avoidance of fornication” but what is meant is
that marriage, as an institution, blesses
societies that honour it, as well as the
individuals involved in it.
Who else is
involved in your marriage?
Part of the
church’s unique perspective on marriage is that
it involves more than two people. When you
marry at Westminster St. Paul’s you, the
marrying couple, are talking not only to
yourselves. God is there, your families are
there, your congregation of invited guests is
there, and in some more or less tangible sense,
the church is there. All these people should
hear something and should have something to say
in your wedding.
God
 God should hear your thanksgiving for the joy
you have found, and the prayers of the church
for your support as a married couple. The music
in the wedding service as well as the spoken
words will convey this. The minister and church
organist will be happy to help in the selection
of appropriate music. Secular love songs are
not appropriate. God’s speech will come to you
in both the scripture readings and the
minister’s sermon. The church believes God
speaks in Scripture the things that need saying
with a clarity and authority not found in other
texts. If there is a piece of poetry or a
reading from another text which speaks to you,
you may wish to include it at the reception;
however, it is the policy of this church that
God’s word stands alone during its services.
When “God” is referred to in these pages it is
also the Christian God Who is understood. Marriages sometimes combine people of
different faith backgrounds. If that is the case with you, the harmony of your
household around issues of religion, the expectations of your families, and your
plan for raising any children resulting from the marriage,
 are things we should
discuss during our meetings. The Presbyterian Church is respectful toward other
religions. Part of that respect is the understanding that other faiths do spin
around different axes – we do not believe that they are all somehow the same, or
somehow Christian “under the skin.” Although there are many practical ways in
which religious peoples can co-operate, worship-sharing during the actual
conduct of a wedding service tends not to work well. The name of “God” then
tends to become evacuated of any specific content, in order to accommodate the
various content each religious leader brings.
For this reason, the minister of Westminster-St. Paul’s will not share your
wedding service with a leader of another faith community (eg. a rabbi, an imam,
a first nations shaman etc.). Roman Catholic, Anglican and Orthodox priests,
Lutheran, Pentecostal, Mennonite and Baptist pastors, United and Christian
Reformed ministers and Salvation Army captains etc. are all ministers of the
same Christian religion, and there would be no problem, from our point of view,
about sharing a service with any of them.
Your
families
It is not just two individuals who are united in
a wedding, but two families. Families can be
messy; however, in the church’s view it is
important to honour parents (see the Bible,
Exodus 20.12). You are encouraged to give some
thought as to how you might do this in your
wedding ceremony. It is also important for
parents to realize that after the marriage they
will no longer have first claim on their
children. The Bible says that marriage involves
leaving one’s father and mother in order to
cling to the spouse one has chosen (Genesis
chapter 2, verse 24) . Parents who do not
recognize that the spouse’s claim to their child
now trumps their own may end by “putting
asunder” what God has joined. For those with
grown families who are embarking on a second
marriage in their riper years, the same kind of
negotiation process may have to be undergone
with respect to children. For these reasons and
because our marriages will tend to reflect, for
better or worse, the patterns of relationship we
have first learned, or not learned, in the
context of our parents’ marriage, it is
desirable to have a meeting which includes your
families before the wedding to talk these issues
through. This would be part of your marriage
preparation at Westminster-St. Paul’s.
Your guests
The
congregation of invited guests is there to
witness what the two of you are saying to God
and to one another, but they are also there to
participate actively in that. People of other
faiths or of none may feel they cannot
participate in prayers and song addressed to the
Christian God. What the church does ask is that
they be respectful of the venue as a house of
worship. Guests will be asked to confine flash
photography to the part of the service where you
process in and out of the church. If you are
engaging a professional to take photos (without
flash) or a video recording throughout the
wedding, this person must be situated
unobtrusively, preferably in the balcony at the
back of the church. Experience has sadly proven
it necessary to say that should any of the
guests or members of the wedding party appear at
the church under the influence of alcohol or
drugs they will be asked to remain outside.
Appearing in such a state does not show respect
for the venue. Moreover, in worship God meets
with us – person to Person – we cannot meet with
God properly when our personhood is de-centred
by mind-altering substances.
The church
By deciding on a church wedding you are also
inviting “the church” into your wedding. The Presbyterian Church in Canada is a
non-established church, which means it has no responsibility to perform
marriages on behalf of the State. Ministers in the Presbyterian Church
therefore, choose whom they will marry, and sessions (the governing board of the
congregation) make decisions about the use of the church building for wedding
purposes.
 Normally the
minister and the church venue go together; in some cases the minister may
entertain a couple’s proposal to be married elsewhere, but this would be at the
minister’s discretion and would form the exception rather than the rule. “The
whole earth is the Lord’s and all that is in it” (see the Bible, Psalm 24) but
Christian marriage is a matter of witnessing to certain truths and values before
the public, and the truths and values being witnessed to are easier to see in
some settings than in others.
When the couple approaching the minister and
session for marriage are members of the congregation or active adherents, the
decision to marry them is easy. When they are not, and the minister and session
agree to the wedding nonetheless, their hope is that the couple will begin a
relationship with the church during and after the request for marriage. The
church does not see its role as a performer of weddings, so much as a
participant in and sponsor of the larger business of marriage – God’s
invention.
Being married is difficult. The church has valuable support to give
to married people, but it is hard to support people who are married in the
church and then never seen again. By choosing to be married at Westminster-St.
Paul’s, you may be contacted from time to time by the church.
To recap then:
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The church got involved in marrying people
because of its own convictions about the good of marriage as a blessing provided
by God.
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The purpose of marriage given by God is to give
joy to people and to help them in achieving their God-appointed purpose of
knowing God and blessing the earth.
v
Marriage helps people to know God when they live
out the vows that they take – vows to love steadfastly and to be exclusively
faithful to their marriage partner.
v
Marriage blesses the earth in that it provides
God’s intended context for sexual expression and for the nurture of children.
v
Christian marriage teaches couples to see their
couple-hood in the context of a wider community. This community provides
necessary support and accountability for the couple and gives an outlet for
their service to God and to the community as a couple.
v
This wider community context includes at least
four “others” besides the couple: 1. God, 2. the families, 3. the guests, 4. the
church.
- Having
considered the above, if it is still your
wish to be married at Westminster-St. Paul’s
this is some of the preparation that will be
involved:
-
An initial meeting with the minister
following a regular service of worship.
This will familiarize you with the
minister’s style of worship leadership,
the lay-out of the church sanctuary and
allow the minister to make your
acquaintance.
- You
will be asked to read this paper and to
complete a marriage preparation tool
(approximate cost $65) before your next
meeting with the minister.
- Provided
the session has approved use of the building
for the date in question, a second meeting
with the minister and possibly with one or
two of the elders, will take place to
discuss the results of your marriage
preparation exercise and any comments you
may have on this paper.
The purpose of the
elders being present is because they
represent part of that community of
Christian wisdom and support, in which we
hope to interest you. Also, as you will be
dealing with an unmarried minister, you may benefit from the experience of elders who have
themselves been married, as we discuss the more practical issues.
- A third meeting should include parents, (or if they are far a field,
evidence that you have talked with them, and then with each other about the
marriage legacy they have left you).
- The final meeting, the wedding rehearsal.
The day before the wedding, the wedding party, possibly the organist, and the
minister will meet for prayer and in order to walk through the service.
Schedule of Fees
- Minister: $175
- Organist: $100
- Custodian $60
Use of Sanctuary
$100 for non-members, no charge for members or
active adherents.
Total: $435 for
non-members
$335
for members
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